I wish I could punch you in the face.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
