Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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