Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
