every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
