New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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