I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
