you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
