How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
