All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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