im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
