dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
