thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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