Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
