He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
