I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
