Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
