I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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