I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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