Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
