There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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