Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
