Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
