The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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