perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
