Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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