I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
