i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
