My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
