That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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