i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
