I can tuck mytits in my pants
farters have to be the big spoon...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
