He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
