I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
