Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
