i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
