I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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