your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
