How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
