And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
