Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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