he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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