I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
