her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
