Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
