I cannot find my penis.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
