i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
