The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
