...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
