260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
