my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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